i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
