I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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