my phone needs a breathalizer
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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