PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
