I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
you inspire me to be a worse person
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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