when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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