after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
