saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
