I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
