i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
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I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
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Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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