i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
