She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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