he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
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I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
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Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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