Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
