Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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