The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
