Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
