So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I need to stop coming to work sober
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
