I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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