We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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