How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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