For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
