just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
