How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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