I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
