I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
