You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
