When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
