i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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