If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
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you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
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He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I pour the whiskey from now on
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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