Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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