He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The uberlube is also flammable
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
