Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
