true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
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At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
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Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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