I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
