I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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