i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
