I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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