I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
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Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
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When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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