I met the friendliest cop last night
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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