your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
