apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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