You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
