cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
