All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
