I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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