My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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