i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
