I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
