Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
