I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
