You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
