you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
