I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
