theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
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