About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
