apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
