Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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