okay pat passed out under dana's car
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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