and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
