1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
