so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
