i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
